[ic] thread continuations

[supersensitive]

Comments

[oedipuswreck]

Obviously you see something in me but it really makes no sense? Ruka . . .

[supersensitive]

[sighs softly, trailing his fingers through Shinji's hair]

...Did anyone ever tell you about di[e]ce?

[oedipuswreck]

. . . not a lot?

[leaning into that touch]

[supersensitive]

Okay. It was a... set of death games that all of us were... born for, I guess. Which is why Yuki and I look so much alike, because-- we're like chess pieces, you know? One tied to each side, but essentially interchangeable. We're the Pawns. The purpose of all of the players was to protect the King on their side-- that would be Kazuki and Haruki, from Amethyst-- and their purpose was to kill each other. ...The Bishops Saiguuji-san and Gara were raised from a young age knowing about di[e]ce and their purpose in it, and I found out on my own when I left home, but everyone else was unaware until it started on the Kings' sixteenth birthday.

[pauses, for if Shinji has an interjection]

[oedipuswreck]

[just staring, listening—there's a brief thought of, we continue to make Aather seem normal in comparison]

[supersensitive]

[smiles briefly at that before he continues]

...So-- the thing was... everyone else was forced into di[e]ce. They had to... kill people and fight each other because-- they were pulled into these games with no other way out. But because I had already left home, I guess I was... off the map, in a way, so I was never-- chosen for that. And when I left, Kusakabe-san found me, and told me... what was going on-- why I... was the way that I was. And that if di[e]ce ended-- if all the other players were dead-- I wouldn't need my abilities anymore, so, they might disappear... And that he'd train me. So I decided to end di[e]ce by myself.

[oedipuswreck]

[nodding along]

[supersensitive]

...I already... didn't like people. In general. They were just-- noise that I had to listen to... So when he taught me, I--

[shrugs.]

...Anyway, so. I'd planned to kill and impersonate Yuki so I could get close enough to Kazuki and his players to kill them. [...takes a breath] So when I met Yuki, it was right after I'd murdered his family and house staff-- I didn't have to, they wouldn't have doubted that he'd just run away if I'd only made him disappear-- but I wanted it to be worse for him when he died because I was jealous. And anyway, I stuck a sword through his chest and he only lived because he got immediate medical attention, and then I went and found Kazuki and-- all of that happened.

[...obviously still going somewhere but just-- stops there for a moment, frowning]

[oedipuswreck]

[That's pretty harsh—]

S-sorry . . .

[supersensitive]

No, I-- what? No. But-- what I'm saying is-- I know "I don't have any room to judge" isn't the best sentiment, but-- you're fine, Shinji. All of that-- that's how I coped with... the things that I went through. I-- turned it outwards and hurt other people and I was just... a really, truly awful person. I was really, really pathetic, and I never tried to be-- better, and-- so, when I look at you-- and the things you went through were so much worse than what I did-- and the way that you coped was to throw yourself into helping people, even when you didn't want to, even if it was for praise, and let yourself get hurt and manipulated because at least you were doing something and you still don't really-- get angry about how you were treated, not the way I would-- I think that's amazing. The things that you look at about yourself and think, "I'm messed up, I'm not worth anything," those are the things that-- I think are incredible about you. I don't want-- you to hate yourself or any of that, obviously, or throw yourself around for other people at your own expense, but-- that you went through so many bad things and that's what you became, instead of-- someone like me-- I think you're incredible.

[oedipuswreck]

. . .

[draws in a slow breath, just letting that sink in, touching the side of Ruka's face]

[supersensitive]

[leans into that touch]

...I know you maybe still don't... have the perspective to understand it, but... it's not even just "I see something in you," you know... I really, really admire you.

[oedipuswreck]

I'm—

[You know me. You're saying this, and you actually know me, more than anybody.]

[supersensitive]

Yeah.

[leans to kiss his forehead...]

[oedipuswreck]

. . .

Ruka, I want—I want things to be okay . . .

[supersensitive]

Okay...?

[curling close!]

[oedipuswreck]

I want to be—hopeful. That . . . the future is worth something. That it's . . . my future.

[supersensitive]

...I want that for you too.

[oedipuswreck]

But bad things always happen . . .

[supersensitive]

...So it's still scary, huh.

[oedipuswreck]

It's scary to hope. Like . . . to think that I know what I'm doing, or that I deserve what I have, or . . .

[Like, it feels like it would be the worst thing, to feel like things were going okay, that I was okay, that it was okay to be me, and then have all of that be proven wrong. Like, who were you fooling, Shinji?]

[supersensitive]

...It's okay to be you, Shinji. But... it's also-- okay... or understandable, maybe... to be scared... I still get scared too.

[oedipuswreck]

Of what . . .?

[supersensitive]

Ah... Someday everyone will realize what a fuck-up I am and leave me? That... kind of thing...

[oedipuswreck]

That's . . . not gonna happen.