[ic] thread continuations

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...I already... didn't like people. In general. They were just-- noise that I had to listen to... So when he taught me, I--

[shrugs.]

...Anyway, so. I'd planned to kill and impersonate Yuki so I could get close enough to Kazuki and his players to kill them. [...takes a breath] So when I met Yuki, it was right after I'd murdered his family and house staff-- I didn't have to, they wouldn't have doubted that he'd just run away if I'd only made him disappear-- but I wanted it to be worse for him when he died because I was jealous. And anyway, I stuck a sword through his chest and he only lived because he got immediate medical attention, and then I went and found Kazuki and-- all of that happened.

[...obviously still going somewhere but just-- stops there for a moment, frowning]

[oedipuswreck]

[That's pretty harsh—]

S-sorry . . .

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No, I-- what? No. But-- what I'm saying is-- I know "I don't have any room to judge" isn't the best sentiment, but-- you're fine, Shinji. All of that-- that's how I coped with... the things that I went through. I-- turned it outwards and hurt other people and I was just... a really, truly awful person. I was really, really pathetic, and I never tried to be-- better, and-- so, when I look at you-- and the things you went through were so much worse than what I did-- and the way that you coped was to throw yourself into helping people, even when you didn't want to, even if it was for praise, and let yourself get hurt and manipulated because at least you were doing something and you still don't really-- get angry about how you were treated, not the way I would-- I think that's amazing. The things that you look at about yourself and think, "I'm messed up, I'm not worth anything," those are the things that-- I think are incredible about you. I don't want-- you to hate yourself or any of that, obviously, or throw yourself around for other people at your own expense, but-- that you went through so many bad things and that's what you became, instead of-- someone like me-- I think you're incredible.

[oedipuswreck]

. . .

[draws in a slow breath, just letting that sink in, touching the side of Ruka's face]

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[leans into that touch]

...I know you maybe still don't... have the perspective to understand it, but... it's not even just "I see something in you," you know... I really, really admire you.

[oedipuswreck]

I'm—

[You know me. You're saying this, and you actually know me, more than anybody.]

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Yeah.

[leans to kiss his forehead...]

[oedipuswreck]

. . .

Ruka, I want—I want things to be okay . . .

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Okay...?

[curling close!]

[oedipuswreck]

I want to be—hopeful. That . . . the future is worth something. That it's . . . my future.

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...I want that for you too.

[oedipuswreck]

But bad things always happen . . .

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...So it's still scary, huh.

[oedipuswreck]

It's scary to hope. Like . . . to think that I know what I'm doing, or that I deserve what I have, or . . .

[Like, it feels like it would be the worst thing, to feel like things were going okay, that I was okay, that it was okay to be me, and then have all of that be proven wrong. Like, who were you fooling, Shinji?]

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...It's okay to be you, Shinji. But... it's also-- okay... or understandable, maybe... to be scared... I still get scared too.

[oedipuswreck]

Of what . . .?

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Ah... Someday everyone will realize what a fuck-up I am and leave me? That... kind of thing...

[oedipuswreck]

That's . . . not gonna happen.

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Well, hopefully not. But... that kind of thing. I don't really... feel like I deserve what I have either, so it makes it hard to accept, but... it's not something I want to give up, either? So I'll accept it anyway.

[oedipuswreck]

[exhales slowly, winding his arms around him]

. . . it's not like I—want to be happy to hear that, but—

[It's nice. We understand each other.]

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[holds him close ♥]

Yeah. It'll-- be nice-- when we can both... not be afraid, but-- in the meantime, having someone who understands is good, too...

[oedipuswreck]

I—I love you—I love you! I love you . . .!

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I-I love you...

[flushing, squeezing him]

[oedipuswreck]

[laughs]

You're so great!

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What's that, suddenly...